When she doesn’t know you exist
Ever had an anxiety or panic attack? Did you know it was that when it was happening? If you did, I’d say you were luckier than I (in a different sense) because you knew what your mind was going through.
I lived in a closed residential estate, which was relatively quiet and had less traffic of people especially during the evening to late hours. One evening I was on my way home from school when I suddenly felt like stopping and looking around me. As I did, everything started feeling out of place..the people who walked by somehow disappeared and I felt like I was being pulled out of existence. I decided to sit on the curb and for two hours my thoughts were ping-pong between ‘what was I living for’ to ‘I was deserving of this life’. I sat there conversing with my thoughts until I felt strong enough to stand and told myself I was being dramatic. Little did I know that was the beginning of issues I didn’t think could happen to me.
I have always been a high achiever; for my personal goals, academics, and career choices hence, I was also my worst critic(still am at times ;>). I judged myself to the extreme and compared my life to those I saw as role models wondering why I fell short. I freaked out when I had no plan or when stuff didn’t go as planned, it usually felt like I’d explode.
But NOPE; I was raised to keep a cool composure, be strong and don’t let too much of your hurt-feelings show…take it in and move on…Yes, be a strong lady. So, that was what I did with most of my issues; health, skin-appearance, bullying, failures, and disappointments. I hid them and in so doing hid my self-esteem too. I went on sinking deeper into a sad, negative, cynical mindset and cried almost weekly about the problems I was facing. I should have said something but NO, I was a strong person remember and weakness to me meant being vulnerable and admitting I was losing my marbles…and that is putting it too lightly. I wasn’t aware that I was sinking into depression and for two years after my nervous breakdown I safely landed at rock-bottom.
One day, on a weekend I looked at myself in the mirror and truth be told I didn’t see Tasha at all. I saw someone who was fed up with life: the pain, sorrow and even my body ( which I was used to covering because vitiligo plus eczema, was something I couldn’t accept as part of me) I was done with it all. I was on the brink of putting an end to it when a thought …more like a whisper crossed my congested, condensed mind “ Have you taken in all of it for 16 years to have it end like this?!” And I just crumbled on the floor, screamed and wept so hard I think I broke a record. For how long I cried, I’m not sure but when I got up, it was dark outside. That was how close I came to the end and also when I realized what I wanted my life to be. I went out and lay on the ground gazing at the stars and saw that I had it all wrong. I was looking at life as an end goal; such that I needed to accomplish certain things for it to be meaningful instead of seeing that it is meaningful from the things I want to accomplish.
So, from that day on I decided to look for HOPE. She was somewhere and I knew it would take the utmost strength to find her, let alone the strength it took to hold in my pain. I made a vow to myself…’Not a day would end without me smiling genuinely at something: music, art, nature, people, funny quotes, memes, texts, calls, stories, dance…and a whole lot more’. I did that daily for two months and honestly, I found that I started concentrating less on what I thought about myself or what impression I left on people. I felt true moments of appreciating the beauty around me and how I also contributed to that. I slowly crawled out of my self-imposed shell of silence and discovered that my opinions, advice, observations and sometimes crazy thoughts when voiced out loud, were important to other people such as my family, friends, schoolmates and at times even strangers.
That is when I found HOPE. She came to me so unnoticed and by the time I realized that I had approached her and we were starting a budding relationship…she had been there. I believed in life once more. I wanted to live and live boldly. I wanted to grow up, learn how to drive, be a photographer, learn to play the guitar then the violin, be a mother and a wife on top of being an awesome sister, daughter, and friend. I wanted to change a life even if it was through my smile, or in providing quality education (which is one of my few causes). I was optimistic and I realized it is much better and easier being with Hope rather than wallowing in pessimism or bitterness.
Sure, I have setbacks and get anxiety attacks now and then, but I manage with the knowledge that Hope will help me deal. Depression may knock on my door but seeing that I have achieved some of the goals I set and adding others on to that list; makes me less sad and less likely to fall into it again. Hope has made me understand I am worth living and not just for me; for my family, friends, future love and kids who still need me. Heck, the world needs to experience the forcefield that is me…so yes, Hope now knows I exist.
And guess what! once I stopped obsessing on my skin issues …I barely noticed when eczema went away, and I can now walk with a sleeveless top on sunny days (though for a short while). The vitiligo spots I couldn’t accept (even after immense treatment which helped reduce its extent), I have admitted aren’t going anywhere, so now I wear dresses with V-necklines and don’t feel ashamed. I think they make me a different kind of beautiful since they are a reminder of how much I’ve been through and represent the strength I believe lies in me.
So what do I have to say to HOPE?
Thank you for not being impossible to find, and thank you for continuously showing me that life is a gift. Maybe you’ve heard it gets easier and it isn’t for you but one thing I’m sure of is; it gets better or rather the situation changes. The problem may not go away but you get stronger dealing with it and it can eventually shape you to be the unique person the world needs to know.
Dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, or depression; try finding Hope who is in you always, to remind you that:
Everything that is done in the world is done by hope-Martin luther king
because
Hope is being able to see that there’s light despite all of the darkness-Desmond Tutu
and
While there’s life, there’s hope-Marcus Tullius Cicero
(Song of the day: Alive-Sia)
