And how it occasionally stops.
I recently celebrated a huge event in my life! (no need for the applause, but thank you)…It was my birthday! I have never understood the hype that comes with birthdays; unlike my sister who will announce it at the top of her lungs like she’s been crowned THEE world queen. But this birthday was special, not only because I did celebrate it but it also felt like I had actually grown.
When I was a kid, I was tiny…like really small. I didn’t like eating that much so force-feeding was a thing in my family, not the tie you up and shove food down your throat kinda scene but they’d serve me instead of self -service and sit with me until my plate was clear. I used to wish I could grow up faster and get to decide what, when and how I eat. Well, that came sooner than I expected.
In high school, when I’d sit next to some of my classmates, who were mid-size tall and weighed more: I became acutely aware of how small I was. (yeah, I’ve heard and read the warnings on comparing yourself but hey, sometimes these weird emotions can’t be ignored). I made a mental note that I would increase my height and weight so that I’d never feel like a “child” next to my friends or relatives. And eat I did!!! Of course, it was a healthy diet with little bouts of binging junk food but I got my weight up from…(let’s just go with the lie that I didn’t weigh myself) However, I did grow 2 inches taller and “rounder”. When I realized this -(time stopped for an hour)
I looked at myself in the mirror and I felt good. But then again I missed the lightness that came with being tiny. Yes, I could fit into a sizeable top though I could not summersault, jump crazy heights, swing off trees, or even pass through window panes (stuff I did easily when I was smaller). So, I made another decision..to work on having a figure I could be confident in and at this point, I thought that would jump start my dreams of having a healthy body shape, amazing house, loving husband and two kids…all the wonderful ideas adolescent girls like to imagine.
While I was living ahead of time; life decided to rain bricks upon me. I mean c’mon..just how much can a girl take!!! From illnesses to skin conditions that displayed themselves in places I couldn’t hide (in as much as I tried to), then depression, low self-esteem and much more. My high school through to the early 2 years in university were the worst. And when I realized this-(time stopped for 30 mins)
Though I wallowed in the dark, deep end for quite a while, I got myself back up. In my third year; I smiled and laughed more, went to more hangouts, broke a few rules and made friends outside my comfort zone. This I must say enriched my perspective on life as well as in building my confidence (I can now look at people in the eye: oh yes, and that deserves an award in my case). I was once again hopeful for the future and the childhood dreams I had given up on; all seemed possible. When I realized this-(time stopped for a minute).
But then again…life with its rain of bricks!!! I finished university, graduated and was expecting to be hired in no less than 5 months considering I had excelled top and beyond what I even thought I could achieve; but noooo…10 months+ down the line, it is still a goal I am striving to fulfill. I’m a seasonal fan of romantic movies but somehow I was convinced that the love of my life would bump into me and catch me before I hit the floor; literally sweeping me off my feet. Reality check: I have been bumped into, picked up, even picked myself up…yet no “love of my life” (no wonder imagination is a fun place). Just getting the apartment I currently stay in, is another whole chapter of a huge book: let alone acquiring the house I imagined. I had to re-evaluate my self again and here, -(time stopped for a second).
So what have I learned from all this and still learning?
That time is “round”. It encompasses the past, present, and future. What I went through in the past helped build my resilience and ‘up’ my optimism levels. What I go through in the present makes me choose reality over fantasy, as well as have visions of what I want the next 5,10 or 20 years of my life to look like.
I embrace the present more: take in the heartache, the laughter, the moments that make me smile, scream, or cry (in joy, anger or both). And yes, I even have to go looking for love. I understand that “now” is enough because it intertwines the past and future in the present. It is enough just to be in the moment and feel it. Take in the good and the bad and make it work for you. Therefore, I’ve decided to celebrate my future birthdays as often as I can because it is one of the moments I look at how much I have grown. May not be physical; but emotionally, mentally and spiritually…time has grown me. I walk more boldly, talk when I need to, listen more closely, scream or cry when I have to, I even flirt better and go for what I want and worked hard to deserve.
So yes, I am in the presence of time and when I have realized this -time has been suspended...
And I’m thinking “ The secret to having it all is believing that you already do.-Unknown”
(song of the day: Time of my life-David Cook)
