Who am I underneath?
I have to admit that I sometimes suffer from an identity crisis. For most of my phases growing up, I felt out of place. I now know the major cause of this was my mother’s death at nine years old. I had only one view: that adults were meant to understand their children, especially how my mum got me. With her, I was open and unashamed to speak my mind even at that young age. After she passed, my family cracked. My dad shut down; so as not to feel pushed aside, my sister and I decided we would be the best daughters ever so he wouldn’t have a reason to leave me too. I believe that's when I learnt to put on a face and hide my true self behind my inner wall.
This worked pretty well because I learned to read the atmosphere in the room such that if someone was angry, I was silent, even if I was the victim of that anger. When they were happy, I was overjoyed to match their energy even though I was dying on the inside. I shifted my attitude and personality to match the best-case scenario to avoid any confrontation until I got fed up and couldn’t tell who I genuinely was.
So I decided to shut off the world and stick with the inner me. I was real and aloof to the point I had no idea how to engage with others anymore. It changed when I joined university and met the people who got me, even if it was just 60%. Of course, life still goes on in the working class and over five years, I feel like I have slowly regressed to the habit of wearing my many masks.
This might be because I am working with my parents, and I am silently trying to figure out at what stage we broke until it’s gotten to this state where I feel like I'm 12. (not wanting to be honest with them to avoid confrontations)
So who am I behind the masks?
I ask this completely absurd question but this time I want to be real if only to be true to myself. I know some parts of me that are cemented like my assertiveness, compassion, selective generosity, and others. There are others I am trying to build that seem difficult, because I have to switch in different scenarios to keep the peace. Am I stubborn, resistive, opinionated yet open-minded? Can I speak up with caution, or do I just like the wallflower status? I’ll never truly know unless I’m given the space to be me.
I don't wanna wear different personas and I'm not trying to be rigid however, I wanna thrive and bloom; especially with people I have come to know for more than 15 years right? Those who know I can seem blunt and rude, understand deep down there's a well of kindness and the exterior in that instant is just a defensive tactic. I hope by the end of this year I will narrow the masks to just 4 so that I can confidently wrap them up as my constant moods. Thus I will better know and discern who I am. When I finally remove my mask, there's no question that I am who I am…FACT!!
(Song of the day — You Don't Really Know Me Jessie J)
